Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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