Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
