hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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