Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
