i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
