I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
