She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
