I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
