turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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