your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
