Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
