I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
