i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
