I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
