I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
