remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He? As in you personified your dick?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
