I just made out with a guy for $7.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
