Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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