I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
