i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
