Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
