if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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