somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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