I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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