i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
