He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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