And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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