The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
