i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
