I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
