don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
