I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So apparently I’m into choking now
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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