That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
