I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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