How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
