Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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