i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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