Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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