When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
