He disabled his match.com account in front of me
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
