So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
