Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
