Don't make out with my wife yet
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
