I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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