ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
