Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
