david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
