I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
