how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
