seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
